Understanding the emotional stages of grief after losing a beloved dog

Written by: Nomi Berger, published author and GRRMF volunteer

A Moment of Understanding

When your cherished canine companion dies, the process of grieving the love you’ve lost is painfully similar to the process of grieving the loss of a beloved human family member or friend. Oftentimes, even more so.

Understanding the Stages of Grief

According to the longstanding Kubler-Ross model, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ultimately, acceptance.

Denial

Denial, like the other stages of grief, is different for everyone, and you may even skip it completely. While you’ll eventually come to terms with losing your dog, denying that loss at first is perfectly normal.

Anger

You may feel angry at your dog for dying. You may feel angry at yourself, at a disease or at the world in general. This too is normal. HOW you react to your anger is what’s important. It can range from screaming into your pillow, pacing and writing down your emotions in a journal, to seeking answers online, going for long walks, finding comfort in prayer or cleaning your house. Whatever the outlet, its purpose is to allow your mind and body time to process your anger.

The key is not staying angry too long. Although nothing can change what’s happened, remind yourself that you’re grieving, and that being angry is a part of the grieving process. Perhaps the most painful fact to face, however, is that there’s NO time limit to grief.

Bargaining

Bargaining, being the third stage, is when you try to figure out what you could have done differently to prevent your dog’s death. Expressed through such phrases as “if only” and “what if”, it’s also a desperate attempt to try and avoid the grief through a kind of negotiation with a higher power — if you change this, I’ll change that — to bring back your dog.

Depression

Depression, as the fourth stage of grief, is characterized by such expressions of sadness as endlessly crying or crying in spurts, sleeping a great deal, not wanting to eat or participate in any of your usual activities, feeling especially lonely and utterly desolate. Honor these emotions, yet find solace in knowing that they’ll be easier to manage as time passes, that they’ll dissipate slowly but surely, and that you won’t feel this depressed forever.

Acceptance

It may take time, but acceptance, the fifth and final stage in the grieving process, is coming to terms with and adjusting to life without your beloved dog. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting, nor should it be seen as an act of betrayal. On the contrary, acceptance means celebrating the uniqueness of the life you shared with your dog and acknowledging that no other dog can replace the one you’ve lost.

Ways to Process Your Grief

If, however, you’re uncertain about how to process your grief, consider the following:

• Read the magnificent poem “The Rainbow Bridge” below, and let the waves of grief wash over you, reassure and comfort you.
• Surround yourself with people who knew and loved your dog and share all of your feelings together.
• If you have another pet or pets, pay more attention to them and monitor them closely since they too will be grieving the loss of their one-time playmate.
• Put together a photo album, scrapbook or shadow box as a way of reminding you of the happy times you and your dog shared together.
• If your dog was cremated, place their ashes in a decorative urn and create a separate space in your home for it flanked by some favorite photos and other treasured mementos.
• Redirect your attention by returning to doing whatever you’ve always enjoyed most.
• Join an online forum or support group for people who are just now experiencing and have already experienced the loss of their own beloved pets.
• See a grief counselor or therapist because talk therapy is a powerful tool and, in many cases, vital to your personal healing.
• Consider getting a new dog some day. Never meant as a replacement for the one you lost, a new dog offers you another – albeit different – opportunity to love and be loved again.